I’m always excited when I see new, B-movie horror flicks come in the mail, so when I saw this double feature, I was excited for the schlock that was to come. However, I quickly realized this movie not only crosses the fine line between awesomely bad and total crap, but it did a nine-mile jog from it.

Dead Summer

Score: Technical: 10, Story: 40, Acting: 20, Overall Score: 23.3

In a small, Podunk Pennsylvanian town, people are kept from the rest of the world due to an unknown disease that turns people into the living dead. “Cleaners” are assigned to take care of those who reanimate and border patrol is set up to keep the others inside county lines. However, when the disease spreads for the first time in years, a small group of people realize it’s evolved. The slow, decaying zombies from before have started running and are thirsty for blood. One of the friends knows the secret behind the disease and may, in fact, be more dangerous than the flesh-eaters themselves.

For a B-movie, the acting isn’t entirely bad aside from one girl (you would know exactly who I’m talking about if you decide to watch this) who can’t even ad-lib. Of course, the movie is automatically cheesy because of the redneck surroundings (crappy accents and flannel galore!), but it’s a little unique as far as story line goes. For one thing, the townspeople call the undead “deadheads” versus the generic “zombies.”

However, the movie gets boring pretty fast, I found myself wishing this movie had closed caption so I could just put it on mute and read it rather than have to pay full attention to it. There’s also a part where it quickly becomes a mini fetish video, which was pretty unnecessary…along with the million times the “actors” use the word “fuck.”

The part that really got to me, however, was the audio. Now, I’m totally aware B-movies have crappy audio. In fact, it’s what makes a lot of B-movies just that, however, when the audio is clipping the entire movie to the point where it cuts in and out for dozens of seconds at a time, we have a problem. What’s the point of watching a movie if you don’t have sound long enough to know what’s going on?

Deadhunter: Sevillian Zombies

Score: Technical: 20, Story: 20, Acting: 20, Overall Score: 20

20 years ago, a handful of subway workers were abandoned underground and now have returned to avenge their brutality. A group of zombie killers, or the Deadhunters, have united to save their town. The new Deadhunter, Father Dan, appears to be a religious man, but in a time when the dead are rising, even he has a true test of faith. Will they destroy all the zombies before they kill everyone in town? They don’t call them the Deadhunters for no reason.

This movie is truly awful. Thankfully, it’s Spanish, so it had subtitles, which allowed me to watch it in fast-forward (and even then it still bored me to tears). There’s a cameo from Lloyd Kaufman (of Troma), but I must say this is even below Troma’s caliber, which is saying a lot considering the amount of ridiculous movies it’s put out.

This movie uses a ridiculous amount of crappy wipes (or transitions) that you’d seen on 70s game shows. Those don’t ever, ever belong on film, let alone in something like this. Somehow, those actually made the movie worse. I didn’t think it was possible.

However, by far the worst part about this film was the horrific special effects…and it’s really an insult saying there’s anything “special” about them. Literally, one of the zombies was a Halloween mask. As for the others? Well, they were a variety of green, gold and grey-skinned people, like an Oscar statue, Swamp Thing and Romero’s old-school zombies on crack.

The only thing slightly amusing about this movie was something called the “Dance of the Handkerchiefs.” Yes, it’s really as ridiculous as it sounds…and, get this, it’s used to lure the zombies away from their prey.

Overall: I don’t care how bored you care, for the love of all that is holy, do not rent this series. You will surely regret it.