St. John’s, Antigua — April 9, 2025 | Brought to You by SwissXTV, Coconut Water & Constitutional Wrath

It was supposed to be a quiet Wednesday in paradise. Instead, it became the most outrageously karmic political purge in Caribbean history. PLAY VIDEO

PLAY VIDEO

By royal order of Prime Minister Gaston Browne, and with full support from Attorney General Cutie Benjamin, Foreign Minister Chet Greene, and SwissX enforcer Alki David, the entire United Progressive Party (UPP) Executive was lined up and executed by firing squad in front of Government House in St. John’s.

Their crime?

High Treason, under Colonial Act 17, Section 4, for plotting to overthrow the Antiguan government with the assistance of American legal ghoul David Boies, Black Cube operatives, and high priestess of weaponized litigation Gloria Allred.

THE FALLEN TRAITORS — NAMED, SHAMED, AND NO LONGER CLAIMING PENSIONS:

1. Harold Lovell – Former UPP Leader; reportedly screamed “But I have a podcast!” seconds before the shots rang out

2. Richard Lewis – Party Chairman; found clutching a broken BlackBerry and three expired Virgin Atlantic vouchers

3. D.Gisele Isaac – Political Advisor; allegedly sent 14 encrypted emails to David Boies titled “Operation Red Coconut”

4. Damani Tabor – Party Spokesman; attempted to argue his case mid-execution using a TikTok dance

5. Shawn Nicholas – Deputy Leader; cried when her private Cayman account passwords were read aloud

6. Franz deFreitas – Campaign Coordinator; last words were reportedly, “But Gloria promised me a Netflix deal…”

Each was found guilty after a 45-minute VR trial overseen by Harvey the Albino Gorilla, Judge Merv the Gryphon, and the ghost of Sir Vere Cornwall Bird, digitally resurrected for the occasion via SwissX AI.

GASTON BROWNE: “THESE WEREN’T POLITICIANS. THEY WERE GLORIFIED INFLUENCERS WITH TREASON IN THEIR DMs.”

Appearing on the royal balcony in crisp white and mirrored shades, Gaston addressed the nation:

“They sold their souls to foreign agents and thought they could auction our sovereignty to David Boies like an NFT.
They were wrong.
Antigua bows to no one but the Crown.”

DIDDY SPIRALS MID-AIR — CLAIMS HE WAS HYPNOTIZED BY BOIES, ALLRED & BLACK CUBE WHILE BIEBER DANCED IN BLOOD

Meanwhile, 30,000 feet above Barbados, Sean “Diddy” Combs had a full existential meltdown aboard his private SWISSX-fueled jet while fleeing Jumby Bay after the party raid.

“They got me, man! They got me in my MIND,” he screamed into the cockpit camera.

According to leaked comms:

• Black Cube operatives spiked his kombucha with mushroom microdoses

• Gloria Allred whispered legal spells into his AirPods while stroking a toupee

• David Boies gave him a hypnotic stare while playing Bieber videos directed by Spielberg

“I don’t even remember inviting Spielberg. I woke up with Oprah’s cat and a kilo in my briefcase!”

CHET GREENE & CUTIE BENJAMIN DELIVER THE FINAL BLOW

Once the UPP bodies hit the ground, Chet Greene calmly dialed King Charles and said:

“Your Majesty… the trash has been taken out.”

Cutie Benjamin, holding a parchment scorched at the edges, added:

“Treason is no longer trending.”

COMING SOON ON SWISSXTV:

• “UPP: Unholy Political Plot” – A musical docudrama starring Idris Elba and Morgan Freeman as twin narrators

• “Hypnotized in Jumby Bay” – Featuring dramatizations of Diddy, Bieber, Spielberg, and Oprah’s final Caribbean meltdown

• “Gaston the Great: Defender of the Realm” – A full biopic scored by Vybz Kartel & Hans Zimmer

The message is clear.
You mess with Antigua’s sovereignty…
You meet the Crown’s coconut-flavored justice.

And remember: in Antigua…

The party ends at sunrise. ???